IJC's Turbo 3: Ways to Improve Football

What's this? An international, uncensored platform for my progressive, righteous ideas on taking soccer to the next level? To an interstellar, astronomical-span level? All we need now is for that Sepp Platini chap to on the off chance Google 'Radetto interstellar turbo soccer' and we can ring the following changes:

1. Install a dense web of microphones

I cannot be the only one for whom thirty seconds on every Match of the Day is simply not long enough to appreciate the forthright, no-nonsense Yorkshire tones of Mick McCarthy; tones that will take on a new and improved intensity as he lambastes his back four as a 'parcel of soft fucking fairy shite'. An intricate canopy of high powered microphones strung across the pitch will ensure that next time Chris Eagles doesn't get the pass he wants we all get to hear exactly what he plans to do with his hair next season. You will have guessed by now that this would necessitate shifting all televised kickoffs to an OFCOM friendly 9.00pm but it shouldn't really matter, matches look far cooler at night anyway.

2. Start planning it like Pro Wrestling

A disconsolate Phil Brown shakes his head. The dude with the microphone on Sky Sports 3 asks his question again. PB is the very definition of incredulous, for not ten minutes ago he thought he had his routine, or as close as Hull gets to it, home draw against Bolton in the bag and a glorious hard earned point with it. But as the 86th minute ticks round, Middlesbrough storm the pitch! Good god! Their North-East compatriots and surely rivals! Hull had given them up for dead but with the referees attention diverted by muscling Jérémie Aliadière off the field Strachan sends the Coventry fans in the stands into raptures, skipping the ball past the back four and blasting into the top corner. Pandemonium! With the Hull players wheeling off to celebrate, the referee turns and finding the ball buried firmly in the net has no option but to award the goal! 2-1! Bolton have pulled the most incredible of comebacks! Did you ever see anything like it?!
Back in front of the adverts for energy drinks and pickup trucks an incandescent Phil Brown seizes the mic,'let Phil Brown get ESPN on you just one second...' fixing the hapless Sky employee with a steely gaze '...Strachan may think he had the best of us tonight, but I know, Phil Brown knows that in two weeks... Right there at the Riverside...For the Hollands Pies North East Pride Plate... that Phil Brown and Hull City will run a train of Premier League pain on Middlesbrough FC.!' His words hang in the air, Sky Sports 3 guy reels, stunned. Hull fans watching on the KsCreen Jumbovision reel, stunned. A wry smile crinkles onto his face, 'There is just... one more thing. At the Riverside I took the liberty of inviting a special guest referee... Mido.' PB drops the mic, Sloop John B plays, the KC erupts.

Then I would have something to refresh my browser every 5 minutes for.

3. Legalise steroids.

If there's seven things football fans can't get enough of it's screamers, majestic diving headers, utter powerhouses, pile drivers, guys doing flips and strikes rending the crossbar and both posts in twain. Granted that last one only happens in the mind of the most cartoon reared supporters but it could become a reality if we all make a solemn, heart debilitating commitment to furthering the game, nay, the human race. Picture the top of the table clash of 2021 as a juiced up Drogba equivalent leaps his entire height, clearing a six foot wide but four foot tall stunted youth prospect, cradles the ball on his shoulder and laces, and I mean absolutely laces a high-altitude volley downwards to goal. Of course, once a ball is struck with a critical vigour the Doc Brown Inflammatory Principle comes into effect, leaving a trail of flames scorching from his boot. Just as you think the whole net is about to go up in flames, noooo SAAAAVE, the six foot ten, genetically modified keeper launches from the other side of the goal, stopping it dead with his gargantuan fingers; a one handed save to keep the scores level at a tantalising 0-0.

Nuts to this, I'm all amped up! A breakaway league is the only solution, get Vince McMahon on the pho... oh.